How To Be Heard When You Have a Disagreement
Do you know the hardest part about communicating?Everyone wants to be heard but no one wants to listen.Have you ever had a disagreement with a friend or partner? Have you noticed that when you are trying to prove your point but aren't feeling heard that you either speak louder or repeat the same thing over and over? When the other person is trying to do the same thing a fight is quick to ensue. You feel misunderstood, or worse, alone. It's awkward and painful.You may decide this person doesn't get me. They aren't good for me. You are about to lose a relationship, or at least damage in a potentially irreparable way. The relationship starts to feel toxic.
We All Want The Same Thing
You want to feel seen and be heard. We all deserve that. It's a fundamental need.A client was recently telling me about a challenging friendship. They both felt like they weren’t being heard. Both were trying hard to make their point. When she was telling me about it and I asked what her friend said. She gave me a vague answer but couldn't tell me exactly. I immediately knew neither of them was listening. We tend to be so focused on how we were wronged and trying to be right, that we never bother to listen to others. When someone feels authentically heard then the need to fight stops.
There will be a magical little space of healing.
It is in this space that connection is made and you can share your side.
4 STEPS TO BEING HEARD AND BECOMING A GREAT LISTENER
The secret to being heard is in the opposite. You must become a great listener.
1. Be Quiet
When you feel like you're not being heard in a conversation STOP and be quiet. Make a conscious choice to put your opinions and feelings aside momentarily.Decide that you will manage how you interpret information. This can be hard. Because we all have a filter through which we process everything. The filter is based on our personal life experiences. But our personal life experiences are not anybody else’s. So we don’t process what people say in a neutral way. We are biased. It will make a huge difference if you can set your bias aside for a moment and try to genuinely understand what the other person is saying.
2. Listen
With an open heart listen to where THEY are coming from. What they feel and why they feel that way. Then repeat it back to them. Word for word. “What I’m hearig you say is….” When they agree that you have heard them there will be a little space. Because all of the sudden they won’t feel the need to argue with you. It is in this space that you can then ask…
3. Acknowledge and Ask
Acknowledge their willingness to communicate with you and say that you feel you clearly understand them. Now you can ask, “are you available to hear where I am coming from?” If they say yes, share your side.
4. Listen To Yourself
Understanding what you need and want out of a particular situation will help you know what you need to communicate. How you want to feel will help guide you. You cannot get these answers without listening to yourself. When you don't feel heard it's easy to get angry and resentful. This creates a cycle of negativity towards yourself and others. Listening to your partner and yourself, with an open heart, will help you communicate in an effective way. You will understand your own needs and feel self-assured in communicating them. If you found this article helpful please share it.I also wanted to share that I have a new FREEBIE for you! I made a 10 minute meditation that is super easy to follow along to. Sign up below to get it now.