The Cost of Blame: How it Disconnects Us from Healing and Solutions

The fires in LA weren’t even close to over, and in every conversation, I heard two things: grief and blame. The grief felt real—shitty but grounding. The blame? It felt like a needle scratching across a record, something that yanked people out of the moment. And that’s when I started paying attention to what blame actually does.

I noticed that whenever someone blamed the government or anyone else, my whole body would cringe.

Why did that feel so jarring?

The Power of Presence in Hard Times

During an excruciatingly difficult time, the things that felt useful to me were people finding and sharing information about each other’s homes. People sharing stories about what was good and what was hard. We grieved together and bonded as a community.

In tragedy, there is togetherness.

But the moment I witnessed someone blaming something or someone, I felt separated. I clocked that feeling. I noticed disconnection. The focus got taken off the actual issue and put somewhere else.

Even though the situation itself was painful, I didn’t want to be disconnected from it. It’s not that I didn’t have the urge to buffer or numb out here and there, but ultimately, what I wanted was to move through it as best I could. The blame seemed to pop that delicate bubble of connection and processing that was happening.

Blame Takes Us Out of Our Feelings

In the beginning, it was all about being present—fully immersed in the situation. Trying to get a clear picture of what happened. The good, the bad, the helpful. Getting oriented to this strange event, the same way you do when a wave knocks you under in the ocean. The first instinct isn’t to blame the wave for knocking you down—it’s to figure out which way is up so you can surface and breathe.

There were so many emotions, and my brain was working hard to make sense of things. Everything felt heightened.

Blame interrupts that process. It takes us out of our feelings, blocks healing, and in the long run, prevents real solutions.

I can understand why someone would want to do that. I still do it. When feel discomfort, we want relief. And blame can feel energizing.

Ah—you there! You are responsible for how I feel, and you need to fix it.

The Illusion of Control

The problem is that blame feels productive, but in reality, it takes our power away. Blame creates victimhood. The opposite of blame is responsibility—the ability to respond. Responsibility creates personal authority.

Just because an undesirable circumstance happens to us doesn’t mean we have to act powerless within it.

Blaming takes away your ability to respond to the situation. You are giving the responsibility to someone else. The issue then becomes that you still have a problem, and yet– you have no authority over it. You are no longer in charge of your life. This other person gets to be in charge of your life and your feelings. And if they aren’t willing to take on the responsibility in a way that actually helps, then what?

I’m not here to say whether that’s good or bad. You have free will. That’s up to you. Personally, I choose autonomy. Not because it’s morally superior, but because it makes me feel better, more powerful in my body, and helps me move forward.

Shifting from Blame to Systems Thinking

This brings me to systems. I love thinking in terms of systems because instead of blaming human beings—who are just doing their best based on their perceptions of the world—we can think about circumstances as systems. I learned this idea from Work the Systemby Sam Carpenter which creates a shift in how we perceive processes.

When there is a failure in the system, we can break it down—like a machine—to look at what went wrong and how we can improve it for next time.

Even if someone didn’t do their job, well, why didn’t they? Where was the failure in the system that didn’t set them up for success? And how can we troubleshoot the system to make it stronger for the future? We can’t change the past but we can address the present moment to the best of our ability and make it better for the future.

What Actually Leads to Solutions?

In the case of the LA fires, this isn’t to say things didn’t go wrong systematically or on multiple levels. As of writing this, there is no clear answer. I do know a lot of people tried really hard (god bless the firefighters—I never doubt their desire to do everything within their power to save others).

The point is, we don’t know everything yet. But our best chance of getting to the truth has zero to do with blame.

Blaming doesn’t lead to solutions. What’s needed most in these moments is support. And anyone willing to try to help should be included. Let’s give them an opportunity to rise to the occasion.

Better questions can lead the way. Does the fire department need more funding in the future? Do we need to invent planes that can fly in high winds? What can we do preventatively? How does climate change play a part? Do we need to build homes and towns in a different way?

These are all questions that together, we can work on to come up with solutions. Why would we turn anyone away who genuinely wants to help?

Blame Creates Fear, Not Truth

Hopefully, a thorough investigation will be done. But I think if the people in charge feel like their jobs are on the line—their entire livelihood—because we, the people, blame them, then that creates a space where people don’t feel safe to be honest in their findings.

And that’s not to say that if someone really fucked up, they shouldn’t lose their job. BUT if finding blame is our core objective, then I fear we will never get to the truth.

And to me, the truth is what’s most useful. It’s what we can actually use—not just to move forward better than where we started but also because truth is what creates healing.

Anger Isn’t Power

Blame can make us feel angry. And anger is a valid emotion. It can create energy that fuels movement. But it’s not sustainable.

Don’t mistake anger for power.

Do you feel in control when you’re angry? Have you ever seen someone fully in their anger? How does it make you feel? Do they seem in control?

Usually, it causes fear, more anger, an eye-roll, or disconnection. None of which are helpful when we’re actually trying to get something done. So the anger is not only bad for the person experiencing the anger, but also for the people observing the anger as well.

From a survival standpoint the emotion of anger is designed to get us to bite hard (hence why we have so much tension in our jaws), but 99% of the time, that’s not useful to the situation. 

And it can often escalate things to a place that’s worse.

The Questions That Matter

So next time you feel like blaming someone, ask yourself:

• What am I not wanting to feel that I want someone else to be responsible for?

• Is this blame useful?

• Will this blame create healing?

• How am I benefitting from blaming?

I think the only thing I would say is that, in the moment, blame allows us to take a break from the actual feeling of something that might just be too big to process.

So yeah, if you need a break from all the pain, then take your break. Preferably, in a way that’s nourishing and replenishes you.

But I urge you to come back.

Come back so that you can be in your full power. And move forward in a way that expands your life for the better.

With reverence & wild magic,

Carmen xo

P.S. If this resonates, I invite you to join my free community The Casual Coven, or check out my workshop Intuition Made Simple.